To understand what I’m talking about, read this post and its comments.

It’s kind of an interesting debate that you wouldn’t really hear anywhere but here. Obviously, for readers not familiar with the New York transit system, you may think that one subway line is the same as another, but OH would you be wrong. Each subway line has a very distinct character and quality to it. For example, every day I take the R from my house, and switch at an express stop, where I can either catch the N or the D, whichever comes first. Now, I’ve been doing this for a year so I’ve kind of become an expert on subway odors. AND LET ME TELL YOU, the D is stinky. Like, I don’t know if this happens out at Coney at the end of the line or what, but seriously every morning it smells like stinky fish and sweat. UGH. You definitely don’t want THAT air being the first thing your baby breathes in. However if you catch the N, you’re about 85% less likely to be bombarded by stank. For other lines, likes the A/C/E, they’re all kind of smelly, but not like dirty fish, more like a trash bag that you haven’t taken to the dumpster yet…and I feel like that smell gets worse the higher you go in the alphabet… the A is ok, the C slightly worse, and the E the worst – AND most likely to have cracks/graffiti scratches on the windows.

The bus system I’m not as familiar with, so I don’t know if one would really say that particular routes are more desirable for birthing. Or riding in general. Although, now that I think about it, I’ve been on the IKEA shuttle and that was a pretty new charter bus. I’m taking it back, no baby on the N train… IKEA shuttle all the way – and pick up a baby crib on the way!

WELL, it only took me a mere 10 1/2 months after that incident to finally brave the scary fire escape ladder to go up. Totally reasonable, right? Actually, I might’ve chickened out except for the fact that apparently my fear of Ryan calling me a baby > my fear of death by roof ladder. And once I made the mistake of telling Ryan I’d go up if he bought me a beach chair to sit in, I couldn’t very well back out. After all, he walked to the 24/7 drug store, and if I didn’t go up, he might’ve beaten me with them.

Climbing up was scary though! it’s only like, 6 rungs on the ladder or something, but I swear it felt like 20… and the whole time I just kept imagining my feet slipping out from under me and then me dangling, like this guy:

So, we had a very Brooklyn evening, drinking on our roof (which has a partial view of the Manhattan skyline), and after a couple glasses of wine, my nerves had calmed down enough for me to climb back down! Success! Although, some things, when you do it once, your fear is gone, and it’s not a problem anymore… like trying some new food that you think is gross, or riding rollercoasters. But I’m not so sure that this ladder issue is like that – even though I know it is possible for me to do it, I’m not sure I want to risk the odds by doing it too many times. I feel like that’s just asking for it, right?

So I should probably wait another 10 months and then it will be about time to go up again.

So for part of the long Memorial Day weekend two of my high school girlfriends, Becky and Lauren, and I went to Long Beach for the day, to pretend we’re back home in Florida. Now, let me preface what follows by saying we had a great day! The company was wonderful, we all looked tan and lovely, and I went home two margaritas deep, and you can’t ever complain about that!

But really, Long Island (please say lahng GUYland) beaches are like, the red headed step child of beaches. Or like the younger sibling following in his big brother’s footsteps (Big brother being Florida beaches) and always falling short. Or like Diet Dr. Pepper – no matter what they say it’s not as good as the real thing and you’ll never convince me otherwise. 

I say this because of 3 main things:

1. YOU HAVE TO PAY REAL MONEY TO GO. $10. Seriously. At every entrance to the sand there are little huts with people waiting to take your money. At each one we saw some little kids too – I think they’re there to chase down anyone who tries to sneak by. Hello, we have a billion miles of beaches in Florida, and anyone can just go. Hobos should be allowed to get a tan, too!

2. THE WATER WAS ABOUT ZERO DEGREES. I’m sure it warms up some, but this is definitely not really body surfing water. Also because even if you’re brave enough to do so, you may get thrown onto a bunch of poorly-placed rocks.

(I do award Long Beach a couple bonus points for having rocks perfect for a Little Mermaid or Victoria’s Secret photo shoot, depending on your mood – great idea, Becky! I won’t post those X-rated photos here.)

3. THE ICE CREAM CART ON THE BOARDWALK DIDN’T HAVE CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS. 

All that being said, I’d definitely go back, if only for the “dirty thirties” and “fist-pumping crowd” promised to us at the Saloon by our taxi driver on our way home. Now THAT may be better than Jax Beach.

Then all of a sudden you end up laying on the couch watching Another Cinderella Story on ABC family and you don’t know where your afternoon went.

YIKES.

I mean, seriously. DO NOT DE-LICE YOUR BF APE-STYLE ON THE R TRAIN.

I shouldn’t even need to explain any further.

If  you were to ask me years ago if I ever thought I’d see Naughty by Nature live in concert while living in Brooklyn, I would’ve just laughed. No way would I guess I’d EVER get to wave my hands along to Hip Hop Hooray and be down with OPP live!

I would have been wrong.

"when i drink, you drink, Big"

Here are the top 5 moments from the show, to let you know how awesome it was and how sad you should be that you missed it:

5. Before the show, speaking on the mics backstage interrupting the MC saying “yeah these mics are live, this ain’t no Milli Vanilli shit”

4. “We’re going to turn back the clock. What’s your favorite year in the 1990s? I can’t hear you! We’re taking this back to Nineteen Ninety ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

3. “Today’s Queen Latifah’s birthday. Happy Birthday Queen!” – Treach.

2. Treach drinking Hennessy and toasting Pac and Biggie. (see pic above)

1. “This one goes out to my girl Lil’ Kim on Dancing with the Stars! You go girl!”     Seriously – a direct quote. That Treach is a crazy mofo!

Jealous, right?

8:02 – I want to go to New Zealand. It looks warm there.

8:03 – Ryan thinks Ty is a child actor, not Jason’s real son. Interesting thought. I mean, they don’t really look alike…

8:05 – Ty is the next Tiger Woodz on the golf course. He got par.

8:06 – I should probably count how many times Jason calls the girls awesome and amazing. On second thought, can’t count that high.

8:07 – OMIGOD RYAN TURNED OFF THE TV.

8:07:30 – Oh, thank goodness, he just paused the DVR.

8:09 – commercial. boooooring. please bring the show back on. Ryan does not appreciate girl shows. Will he just go to the gym already?

8:13 – Yes. Melissa is saying all the right things. PICKHERPICKHERPICKHER.

8:15 – Ok, 20 questions much? Sheesh.

8:18 – Amazing count – 326. Incredible count comes in close second at 162.

8:21 – Incredible count closing in at 170.

8:22 – NO, you could not spend the rest of your life with Molly. I don’t care that she’s a department store buyer (bonus points!), i think she works for Kohls (negative points).

8:23 – Preview of Jason crying. “Puss” – Ryan.

8:24 – Look at that face. Although he’s cuter with more scruff.

8:26 – Uhoh, Ryan just took a sneak attack ugly picture of me on his cell phone. Also, I think I ate too much cookie dough and pad thai for dinner. My stomach hurts.

8:31 – RYAN MAKES ME SO MAD.

8:36 – Pause. On the phone with Monica.

8:38 – MONICA, i need to watch the show.

8:42 – Jason is SOOOO much cuter than his brothers. They never pick a just-okay looking bachelor.

8:44 – “Amazing!” “She’s amazing…. it’s amazing…”

8:48 – He’s crying with his mom. I should find it endearing, but it’s just kind of emasculating. Keep it off camera.

8:51 – I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM BREAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK

8:56 – YES. Melissa’s parents want to talk to Jason. Now he will get over the whole parent thing and just choose her already.

8:57 – She has a tramp stamp. -3.

9:00 – Her earrings look like they could be from Macy’s.

9:06 – She is NOT a professional masseuse. This is not made for primetime TV.

9:07 – Right up behind amazings and incredibles are Jason’s “I can’t get enough of her”s and from everyone involved, “you’re just so real!” (vomit reflex inducing)

9:10 – Dammit, Molly just scored points with her little cutsie scrapbook. BOOOOOOO.

9:10:23 – “This is an AMAZING gift” – Jason

9:10:43 – “Tonight Molly made me one of the most amazing gifts I’ve ever gotten. ” – Jason

9:15 – We still have an hour and 45 minutes left…Ryan MIGHT put a bullet through his brain.

9:18 – DeAnna the homewreckaaaaa is here oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Also, that outfit is not flattering.

9:20 – Ok so she’s NOT here to try and steal him back?

9:23 poop – Ryan.

9:22 – GOOD, she’s leaving. Damn ABC marketers making it seem like he was gonna pick her or something! I was all worked up for nothing.

9:33 – Ryan – “the most dramatic bachelor would be if he told them they had to fight to the death”

9:35 – I’m not really loving either of their outfits for the final ceremony. Cute hair though.

9:41 – Moment of truuuuuthhhhhhhh………….

9:42 – “you’re amazing in every way”

9:43 – YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GOODBYEEEEEEEE MOLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

9:45 – “but i think you’re making a mistake” OH STOP!

9:47 – Ryan – “big puss!”

9:49 – Ryan – “she’s got a little tent baby growing inside herrrr!!”

9:58 – proposal tiiiime woooo woo woooo! that ring is GORG.

9:59 – YAAAY… ok, i’m tearing up a little. they are just so darn cute.

10:01 – she probably ruined that dress by jumping in the pool. 

10:02 – It’s the “After the Final Rose” part now… I hope that there isn’t some bad news coming…

10:04 – Uhoh. He’s about to say he picked the wrong girl. F.

10:04:30 – whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!??!!!!

10:06 – he’s still in love with molly. ugh. ugh. ugh. why doesn’t he KNOW WHAT HE WANTS?!?!

10:09 – OK, i may not be able to watch this show ever again. SERIOUSLY. either he’s just a dumb guy who doesn’t know what he wants, OR, he’s doing it for TV and i don’t like either option.

10:10 – At this point, I’m ending the recap. BACHELOR, YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN. this is why i only watch so you think you can dance.

I’m all like, maybe you should try pilates. or something, aaaaanything else. and please don’t fall on me as you try to find your balance on the mat next to me. ok, thanks.

Anyway, my point is, why don’t the Knicks have a mascot? Nothing against the City Dancers, but I would really love to see some guy with a basketball head or something running around doing the YMCA during timeouts. Wouldn’t you? And besides, I am pretty confident that the skill of your team is directly correlated to how cool your mascot is. Need Proof? 

Albert the Alligator – Um, awesome. Also, he has a girlfriend because he is super popular in the swamp. Florida Gators – crazy successful, obviously, as a result.

Educated, as well!

Mr. Commodore – Really creepy looking. Also, the suit is dirty when you look closely. Hello, DRYEL. Vanderbilt Commodores – Nothing notable besides Jay Cutler.

WHAT A CREEPER.

Phillie Phanatic – Kind of goofy, but cute and very lovable. You can’t help but chuckle. Philadelphia Philles – Yeah ok, they were baseball’s loseriest franchise. But HELLO, that was due to the curse of William Penn and the Phanatic helped counteract that to bring them to last year’s World Series.

And for my final piece of evidence: The Indiana Hoosiers – They don’t even HAVE a mascot. that’s REALLY lame. They’re 6-22 right now in basketball. And finished last football season at 3-9. I rest my case.

So basically, Knicks, find some room in the salary cap for a mascot.

I went skiing yesterday for the very first time in the Poconos. It was pretty awesome. However, every few minutes, after I felt like I was starting to pick it up and make some real progress down the mountain I would either:

A) start going so fast I was losing control and felt like I was hurtling toward my death.

B) crash into a snow drift on the side as a result of trying to stop A. (like this)

C) crash and SLIDE INTO A TREE AND HAVE TO BE HELPED UP BY A STRANGE SNOWBOARDER WHO TOOK PITY ON ME as a result of B as a result of A. (like this kid, but UPSIDE DOWN)

D) crash into my friend who was trying to teach me. some thanks, right? (something like this… oops!)

Overall though, I survived. And it was pretty awesome. The mountains were beautiful and all lit up at night and there were icicles on the trees… and it was pretty exhilarating skiing around that. But let me tell you, skiing is HARD! I woke up today feeling muscles I thought did not exist and finding some bruises from my run-ins with various icy patches on my oh, 20-something falls throughout the night. You would think like, oh, you stand on them and slide down the mountain. NOT SO. It is way harder to control yourself than you would expect! However, the highlight was that I had no trouble operating on the ski lift, so I didn’t end up like this guy – which I call a success!

YIKES!